The Painter’s Rag: For The Sake Of Thumbs, Teeth, And Candy Bars Everywhere

Here it is!  The first edition in this shiny new year of The Painter’s Rag, hot off the press (press?) and delivered fresh and piping hot, right to your email inbox.

I’m Doug Imhoff, your friendly neighborhood FINE residential painter (meaning, the painting is fine, not that I’m fine, though I do feel okay), and I’ll be right here in your inbox each month, regaling you with the latest in fine painting smarts and creativity.

Or, as Chief Curmudgeon of your favorite fine painting crew (I think they’re all feeling okay, too, but that’s off the point, if any), I’ll also probably hold forth with the occasional pithy rant which will be unoffensive and, in most cases, entertaining enough to put a little smile on your face.

This month, we discuss the inside-baseball secrets of why you get such a good deal on your fine painting job this time of year.

The Curmudgeon Answers Your Question(s)

People ask me all the time, they ask, “Hey Doug, my friendly neighborhood FINE residential painter, how come I get such a good deal on my fine painting job this time of year?”

(And Boy, do they ever get a deal!  The discounts I can offer this time of year are so nice.  They’re lovey-dovey.)

“Well, I’ll tell you, Cherished Customer,” I reply.  And then I tell them:

• It’s not like our fine residential painters are all sitting around twiddling their thumbs this time of year, but it’s kinda like, this time of year, they’re all sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  So one reason I give such awesome discounts during these frosty winter months is to give my fine residential painters something fine to do.
• Because, twiddle your thumbs off, and then you have no thumbs, which is the digit that separates humans from most of the rest of the animal kingdom, and certainly comes in handy (HA!) when you’re doing fine residential painting.
• These fine residential painters are long-time, loyal, cherished Imhoff employees… committed craftspeople who we dearly love and wish to keep busy, even during the frosty winter months, so they don’t shrivel and starve.  A starved painter is almost as no-good as a thumbless painter, after all.
• Our fine residential painters are so committed, so dedicated, so passionate about the work they do that, if we don’t give them any work to do, they might go out and find work to do.  I did mention “loyal,” so I’m not too worried about that, and we do try to treat our fine residential painters like the gran artistes they are, in part specifically so they don’t think there’s a better painting company out there (there isn’t) and go try to work for them.
• Because then we’d be stuck trying to hire new painters in the springtime, right when every other painting company (fine or not, residential or not, Imhoff or not) is also trying to hire painters.  There would be much weeping. Much wailing. Much gnashing of teeth. We don’t want that. We value the teeth of our fine residential painters… and our own teeth… almost as much as we value our thumbs.  More, in some cases.
• Finally – and this is vitally important – when you have the kind of awesome momentum we have here at Imhoff Fine Residential Painting, you don’t want to stop the music.  You want to keep the music going, even if the tempo is a bit slow, as long as you can still make out the basic chord structure and understand most of the lyrics.
• So we’re willing to price projects SO LOW, we’re barely breaking even, just to keep our fine residential painters humming along (back to the music metaphor), and to protect their teeth, their thumbs, and their overall nutritional health.

What does that all mean to YOU, Cherished Customer?  It means that you can call us up now, while the music’s a bit slow, and book your fine residential painting project for (not one) (not two, but) as much as TWENTY PERCENT OFF.

Sure, most painting companies will give you some kind of discount this time of year.  But twenty percent?  Call around, and you’ll find that’s some kind of discount!

Go ahead.  Call me crazy.  My wife does, all the time.  But I will do anything… ANYTHING… to take great care of my Cherished Customers AND my fine residential painters.

I will do anything that doesn’t require thumbs, teeth, or a balanced diet.

***
Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever twiddled your thumbs so hard your teeth fell out?  Send photos. This I gotta see.
2. What are you doing to stay busy during the frosty winter months?
3. What can fine (the finest!) residential painting do for your home or business property now, during the frosty winter months, to make it all beautiful and spiffy at a lovey-dovey discount?

Send your answers to doug@imhoffpaintingcompany.com… The most clever, creative responses will be eligible to WIN A PRIZE! *

(* Prize is at the sole discretion of Doug Imhoff, who appears at the sole discretion of his wife, and believe me, we’re not kidding. We might also pass around your answers at the Rotary Club, just to see which ones get the best snickers. Hmm, that reminds me, I might toss in a candy bar as part of the prize. Might not, though. I might just enjoy it myself. Must be at least 4.8 years of age to win any prize, and not older than 192 to be eligible for any candy bars. Offer void where not valid. See candy wrapper for details. Boring, lackluster, or unimaginative entries might as well be deleted before you hit “send,” since they have no chance of winning and might, frankly, prove embarrassing not only to you, but to your heirs for generations to come. Probably won’t be THAT bad, but hey, why take a chance?)