The REAL Nightmare Before Christmas:
“No, Mom, Don’t Go In There!”
The Painter’s Rag:
Monthly Wit And Wisdom
From Your Friendly And Professional Fine Painting Company
The other night, one of our cherished customers named Ralph (not really) woke up in a cold sweat from a truly horrifying (really) nightmare.
“What’s wrong, ‘Ralph?’” asked his wife (really), whose name is Doris (not really).
“I had the most horrible nightmare,” Ralph replied, still gasping in terror. “It was your mother. She was visiting from Pittsburgh for the holidays, and she was going through the place like she was doing a white glove inspection.”
“That’s weird right there,” said Doris, “since Mom has never even been to Pittsburgh, as far as I know.”
“I know, right?” Ralph said. “But the inspection thing? That’s totally your mother.”
Doris didn’t disagree.
“Anyway, in my dream, the place was a yucky mess. The wallpaper in the dining room was peeling, and so was the paint on the stair rail. The stain on the kitchen cabinets looked like it hadn’t been refinished since 1994, and it was all blotchy. What a nightmare!”
“Yeah,” Doris said. “What a nightmare.”
“It seemed so real!” Ralph whispered.
“So real,” Doris added. “That’s because the stain on the kitchen cabinets IS blotchy, and WAS applied by your nephew in 1994. And the wallpaper and paint ARE a yucky peeling mess.”
“And your mother?”
“Yes, she really will be here for the holidays,” Doris said. “But she’s coming from Florida, Ralph. You know this.”
“Like I said, Babe, it was just a dream,” Ralph said.
“Look, that nightmare is gonna become a reality if you don’t call the expert, professional, and totally gorgeous painters from Imhoff Fine Residential Painting Company. You know, the painting family who applied a fresh coat of LOVE to our siding and exterior trim last spring.”
“Oh yeah!” Ralph said.
“They don’t just do exteriors, Ralph. The Imhoff painting family is expert at sprucing up the interior of a home, just in time for inspec – uh, I mean, just in time for the holidays. And they’re heading into the slow season, so you can get a favorable schedule and a great deal.”
The next morning, we got a call from Ralph, and were able to schedule his home for a fresh coat of LOVE, just in time for his mother-in-law’s inspec- uh, I mean, visit.
That night, as far as you know, Ralph slept like a baby, with visions of sugar plums dancing in his head.
Don’t let this nightmare-before-Christmas scenario happen to you, or your loved ones! If you know anyone who needs an interior spruce-up in time for the holidays, have them give us a call right away. You have our word: We’ll treat them right.
And we’ll scare away those nightmares!
- Have you ever had a nightmare involving wallpaper, Christmas, and/or Pittsburgh?
- What did your nephew do to your house in 1994? You can be honest
- Who do you know who needs a fresh coat of LOVE for their home’s interior in time for festive holiday inspec – uh, I mean, visits?
Send your answers to email@example.com
(* Prize is at the sole discretion of Doug Imhoff, his heirs and assigns, and a study group of sleep researchers and white glove inspectors. This means all white gloves submitted in association with this contest will be thoroughly inspected. Top prize this month is totally dreamy, so you don’t want to miss it. Deadline is a freaking nightmare Boring, lackluster, or unimaginative entries will be sent to your mother-in-law, or to Pittsburgh, whichever is cheaper. That’s the last thing you need, so keep it lively. Good luck!)
Don’t forget: With Imhoff Fine Residential Painting, you always get more than a high-quality paint job… you get an enjoyable experience we hope you’ll treasure. We’re passionate about our customers and their properties… we’re a “painting family,” and we treat your project like family, too! Check us out online. We just dream of reading the many enthusiastic five-star reviews our clients have shared on Google, Yelp, and elsewhere. And we can’t wait to earn our next outstanding review from you!
Know anybody who could use a smile… or perhaps a GREAT painting experience?
Please forward The Painter’s Rag their way!