There’s A Smart Way To Make A Lot Of Money
In The Painting Business
… And Then, There’s The Way WE Do It
The Painter’s Rag:
Monthly Wit And Wisdom
From Your Friendly And Professional Fine Painting Company
Sometimes I wonder how rich I’d be if I were only a little smarter.
See, the smart and lucrative way to start a painting business, according to a guy I met at a hot dog stand outside a hardware store, which, of course, is an iron-clad rock-solid source for authoritative business advice, is this:
- First, you go knock on people’s doors, or call them on the phone at suppertime, or text them every 90 seconds, and annoyingly pester them until you’ve sold a few uber-cheap painting projects.
- Next, you go buy a bunch of paint and drop cloths and masking tape and assorted other painting-related gizmos, and charge it all to a shady credit card you just received which charges 47% interest.
- Compounded hourly.
- Then – and this is critical – you amass a group of subcontractors for each job. These can be found at hot dog stands outside hardware stores; or, if those guys are all busy, you can swing by the local rail yard and round up some of the cleaner-smelling hoboes.
- Or, the stinky ones. Doesn’t really matter.
- And you promise to pay them a shilling each for a slap-dash paint job on your new customer’s property… come back in five minutes, and I’ll make it half-a-crown!
- You don’t pay them anything, of course, until and unless the customer pays YOU much more. After all, you’re the one doing all the heavy lifting here. Let’s not forget that 47% interest. And, since they’re no worse off after the job is done, you might not have to pay them at all!
- Or, at least until you need them for the next rush job, in which case you will probably have to pay them for the last one. This keeps the average hobo willing to work for you, though, since the only way to get paid for the last job is to agree to do the next.
You Can Find These “Smart” Painting Companies Out There…
… In fact, I’m sure some of my clever competitors are doing business in a manner which is not far off from the above description.
I’m sure of this, because I’ve had customers tell me so.
And I bet these smart painters are making money hand-over-lily-white-fist.
But, dumb ol’ me, I have been doing it all wrong, and I have the glowing five-star online reviews and paint-flecked paws to prove it.
At Imhoff Fine Painting Company, we were too stupid to take Hot Dog Stand Guy’s advice, and we started our painting company backwards.
First, we put together the finest family of dedicated, talented painters you’ll find anywhere:
- They’re all cherished employees, not sub-contractors, which gives them some motivations my smart competitors would find weird: they want to do the job right (not fast), they understand their reputations (and mine) are on the line with every job, and they can’t wait to earn our next great five-star online review. From you.
- Our painters are more experienced than their competitors (especially the hoboes)… Imhoff painters are older, wiser, and better-looking (as far as you know) than the subcontractors other companies will send to you. They smell good. And they tend to stay with us for a looooong time… because we treat them like the valued family-members and talented painting magicians they are. We pay them handsomely – and that’s just part of it.
- (By “pay them handsomely,” I mean they’re very well-compensated, as they should be. Not just that they get their paychecks from a distractingly-handsome guy like me.)
- Imhoff Fine Painting Company employs people from all walks of life – we never discriminate against anyone, ever, for any reason – and for that reason, we could actually send an all-woman crew to your project, if that’s important to you.
- Our folks are happy painters, always thrilled to come to work on your project. And that makes them better painters, too!
Add it all up, and that equals about 432. But it also equals the best painting job you can possibly get. Why? Because at Imhoff Fine Painting Company, we can completely control the quality of your project.
Smart competitors with itinerant hobo crews can’t do that.
Now, I should mention at this point that not all of my competitors’ crews are comprised of rail-riding bums. At least, I don’t think so. Some of them manage to find subcontractors who’ve held a paintbrush before at some point in their lives. And hey, they’re cheap.
But that’s how we started Imhoff Fine Painting Company. We did it the dumb way.
We put the team together first (think “Seal Team Six,” but without bullets). Then we went out and found customers – plenty of customers, just like you – who demand the finest painting experience available anywhere.
So if you have a need for:
- An exterior paint job… maybe even a partial project (either just the south and west sides of your house… or, especially, for your house on the south and west sides of town)… just the trim… just a re-beautification of your deck… maybe a little light carpentry and/or siding repair… or even a full paint restoration to bring fresh beauty to your home’s exterior…
- A new-looking garage floor or concrete patio, with an amazing look you’ll be proud of for years to come
- Or even a restoration of your patio furniture (wood or metal!), which we can invite into our shop and restore right here in our state-of-the-art spray booth…
- In fact, say you’re holed-up at a remote location (your mountain cabin, your second home on the Colorado beach, Gate 53 at DIA still waiting for your March 13 departure to Bora Bora, whatever)… and your primary residence in Colorado is sitting there all lonely and empty… we can have it spiffy for you when you return!
- If so… If these scenarios apply, or if any other scenario applies, whatsoever, to you…
… We’d love to hear from you!
Our painting family is ready to go to work for you.
And I don’t even know where the rail yard is.
- Do you get your hot dogs from that stand outside the hardware store?
- Aren’t those awesome? Especially the chili dog. Every hobo’s favorite.
- Are you ready for the kind of blow-your-socks-off amazingly great painting experience you can only get from a cherished painting family like the one at Imhoff Fine Painting Company?
Send your answers to email@example.com
(* Prize is at the sole discretion of Doug Imhoff, and whoever he chooses to consult, which may include – but is not limited to – his wife, his friends at the Rotary Club, his roiling conscience, and that one kid at King Soopers who, despite some scary tattoos and piercings, does seem extremely well-informed based on his extensive familiarity with live-action role playing and popular memes. Contest winner may be flown to Las Vegas for an all-expenses-paid weekend at Caesar’s Palace, to include dinner for two with wine at the Old Homestead Steak House along with $500 in slot tokens – but contest winner might NOT be awarded this prize due to travel and other restrictions, and in fact, it’s looking highly unlikely at this point, but we thought we’d mention it just to inspire you to submit a REALLY great entry. Must be a resident, though entries from some occupants may also be considered. Boring, lackluster, or unimaginative entries will be shunned and openly ridiculed. Definitely won’t win, Vegas or otherwise.)
Don’t forget: With Imhoff Fine Painting, you always get more than a high-quality paint job… you get an enjoyable experience we hope you’ll treasure. We’re passionate about our customers and their properties… we’re a “painting family,” and we treat your project like family, too! Check us out online. We’re delighted by the many enthusiastic five-star reviews our clients have shared on Google, Yelp, and elsewhere. And we can’t wait to earn our next outstanding review from you!
Know anybody who could use a smile… or perhaps a GREAT painting experience?
Please forward The Painter’s Rag their way!