The Scariest Thing On Earth
(… Don’t Be The Next Victim!)
The Painter’s Rag:
Monthly Wit And Wisdom
From Your Friendly And Professional Fine Painting Company
I’ve seen some scary things in my over-25 years on Planet Earth.
I once witnessed a life-and-death struggle between a giant grizzly bear and a skinny stockbroker, who managed to fight off the bear wielding nothing but a smaller, less-powerful bear.
Another time, I saw someone put mayonnaise on a hot dog, and eat it. OMG. Terrifying.
I even saw the Rockies make it all the way to the World Series once, and thought, “Who are these pod-people from outer space, wearing Rockies uniforms, and winning like 20 out of their last 21 games before getting blasted back into outer space by the Red Sox?”
Yes, these were all horrifying things which I cannot un-see, and which will forever haunt my darkest nightmares.
But, speaking of haunting, I have to say that nothing – and I mean nothing – is scarier to me than a badly botched paint job.
Oh, go ahead, dismiss my fears out-of-hand. But you haven’t seen what I’ve seen, man. You have NOT seen what I’ve seen. If you had, well, you might buy a mayo-laden hot dog at a Red Sox game and feed it to a giant grizzly, just to try to get the image of that paint job out of your head.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in more than 30 years on the planet, it’s that the Rockies have little or no business in the World Series.
And if there’s a second thing, it’s that painting seems to look easy to fly-by-night handyman types and nephews who want to score a few summer bucks by painting your basement.
And you know what? Buying cheap paint and slapping it on the wall IS easy.
But it’s scary!
Stain that won’t dry… “muddy” patches on every wall… globs of paint that come off on your hand if you touch a poorly-painted handrail… ooooh. I shudder to even recall these visions of terrifying wretchedness.
But luckily, though you do have to be scared by the ghastly costumed ghouls who show up at your door this month – not to mention the trick-or-treaters – you don’t have to be traumatized by a scary paint job at your home or business.
You can call Imhoff Fine Residential Painting Company – that’s us – and schedule an expert, professional painting project to be flawlessly executed by our highly-trained and alarming adorable staff.
From staining the cabinets in the kitchen or laundry room, to fixing those nephew-related problems on the basement walls, to spiffing up the exterior of your home or even your garage – you can count on the pros at Imhoff Fine Residential Painting Company to apply a coat of LOVE to your property.
Our work is guaranteed… we use the finest materials available… and our work stands the test of time.
Yes, in more than 35 years of life, I’ve witnessed all the scary paint jobs that Chuck In A Truck, or Dan In A Van, or your knucklehead nephew, can offer… so you don’t have to.
So check out our many enthusiastic (gushing) five-star online reviews, then give us a call. We’ll treat your property like we would our own. And that’s no trick.
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Discussion Questions
- What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen someone put on a hot dog? (Extra credit if you did it yourself)
- If Dinger (the Rockies mascot) showed up at your door on Halloween, would you be scared out of your mind? I mean, that thing does look a bit creepy….
- Are you ready for a fine painting job that won’t scare you out of your mind, or look like it was done by a hot-dog-eating grizzly?
Send your answers to doug@imhoffpaintingcompany.com
(* Prize is at the sole discretion of Doug Imhoff, his heirs and assigns, other members of the over-40 set, select members of the recently-vacationed Boston Red Sox, and a victorious small grizzly whose very countenance seems to cry “bring it.” Grand prize this month is lesser than or equal to a round-trip weekend excursion to watch the Rockies play in the next World Series. There is no deadline for entry. Hot dog! However, your nephew mentioned that he’d be eager to win a contest – any contest – so you might want to get your entry in sooner rather than later. Boring, lackluster, or unimaginative entries will be slathered with mayo so thick they may have to visit the mayo clinic. Best of luck!)
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Don’t forget: With Imhoff Fine Residential Painting, you always get more than a high-quality paint job… you get an enjoyable experience we hope you’ll treasure. We’re passionate about our customers and their properties… we’re a “painting family,” and we treat your project like family, too! Check us out online. We feel like we could whup a grizzly when we read the many enthusiastic five-star reviews our clients have shared on Google, Yelp, and elsewhere. And we can’t wait to earn our next outstanding review from you!
Know anybody who could use a smile… or perhaps a GREAT painting experience?
Please forward The Painter’s Rag their way!